Team Brinzilla Has Been Created

Apparently it's been a long time since I have updated my blog since I had to google where to log-in!

Today I registered our family for the March of Dimes - March for Babies Walk. Here is a little info from their website: Why We Walk - When you walk in March for Babies, you give hope to the more than half a million babies born too soon each year. The money you raise supports programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the problems that threaten our babies. We’ve been walking since 1970 and have raised an incredible $2 billion to benefit all babies.

Obviously this is an important cause and having a child who was extremely premature and small this has an extra special place in my heart. Not a day goes by where I don't know just how blessed and fortunate we are to have this healthy girl. A baby who came out on room air and actually cried (we were warned that she wouldn't cry because of her size and not to be alarmed), a baby that weighed 1 lb, 15 oz and yet was able to leave the NICU and go home less than 7 weeks after she was born which was 4 weeks before she was even due, a baby that gives me kisses everyday and helped to make my dreams come true of being a mom. I know, I'm sappy.

So in honor of our wonderful, crazy, loving, beautiful daughter, Team Brinzilla has been created and will be walking for MOD in Detroit on April 29th (our anniversary which to me makes it even more special). Hope to see our family and friends there!

All The Medical Mumbo-Jumbo & Details

Where to begin? I guess a little history. When I was 11 I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpura (ITP), which is the condition of having a low platelet count. Then in late 1999 after just losing my mother I had a Deep Venous Thrombosis (DVT) in my right leg that that turned into a Pulmonary Embolism (PE) in my lung which at the time was assumed happened because of my birth control pill. Now fast-forward to 2006, wedding plans are in place, Sean and I are about to get married and a couple months before the wedding I’m in for my annual with my super-awesome-OB who we shall call Dr. L. who is always proactive said that he wanted to have Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) run blood work before we start trying to have a baby because of my medical history which of course I was bummed because there went my chance at a honeymoon baby (which shows just how naive I was 4 years ago to think it would be that easy to have a baby!). Sean was of course fine with this because he wanted to wait a year before we started trying to have a baby yet we did compromise on 6 months (though it ended up being 4 months). Well before we started trying that July 2006 I had the blood work done and it came back that I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome (APS), which is a is a disorder of coagulation that causes blood clots (thrombosis) in both arteries and veins as well as pregnancy-related complications such as miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm delivery, or severe preeclampsia. But I was in bliss, I just got married and knew we were going to start having babies, I had no cares about ITP, PE’s or APS, I was going to have babies…and lots of them!!!

Now that you had to read through all of that I will give you the quick version of our pregnancy journey: We have had 2 early miscarriages, 2 ectopic pregnancies in which the first one I lost my left fallopian tube during emergency surgery and of course our hardest loss of all, our little boy Patrick at 17 weeks gestational for a total of 5 losses. So now here we are with our 4 years later with our 6th pregnancy. Our little girl who we are praying will get to come home with us.

currently listening to Janet Jackson's Control

I Feel Like I'm Keeping Some Shameful Secret

Before I go into my blog I have to talk about my Gracie. On Monday it was 1 year since my sweet baby passed away. She was the best dog in the world and I miss her klutzy butt so much. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. I know Gracie is playing with Patrick because every little boy should have a dog and that does bring me some comfort. And I'm still keeping the name as Gracie on our list if we are having a girl because there is nothing better than telling your 16 year old snotty teenage daughter that she's named after the dog.

OK, so now on with secret. I have barely been pregnant for 3 weeks and yet it feels like forever and I think the reason is because we're still keeping it on the down-low. I know I'm so early but because we have been going through this process for so long it seems like it always comes up as topic from family and friends of what's the latest, especially with us going through the adoption process. And when I talk/respond to them I feel like I'm lying, just a big fat (well bloated) pregnant liar. People ask what's new and I don't tell them about my 3 appointments and 1 u/s, I say "oh nothing, just the same as always" but it's nowhere near the same as always, it's the opposite as always. And another thing is if something was to happen I would tell them about the loss so in that aspect I feel like I'm only sharing the bad with them and not the good. We are still going to keep quiet about it (except for the people who know at work since I sit nowhere near the bathroom and my trash bin has become my personal close buddy...you're welcome co-workers) but maybe we'll talk about it more after my next ultrasound on Tuesday.

OK, time to wrap this bad boy up, have to get home soon, Sean's making tacos! Doesn't take much to make me happy these days.
Tacos = yah!
I can fasten my pants = yah!
The dogs water bowl is full = yah!

Nope, doesn't take much.

currently listening to Beastie Boys' Shake Your Rump

Tit-for-Tat

Yesterday there was unnecessary drama on my message board and I will say today I have cooled off but my mind still keeps going back to some particular things that were said.

The fact is it is public and people will post what they want but I feel I have been a trooper and quite supportive and the more I would think about it last night the more I felt tit-for-tat because to me I felt my news was deemed (by some, not all) as you are no longer welcomed here. The three things that stick out for me that were said are:

"I have x amount of losses and it's hard for me to see or hear about certain things"
My t-f-t: I'm tied or I do have the most losses on this board with 5!

"I have been there for x amount of months and it's hard to hear about updates"
My t-f-t: I'm have been on this board before some of these people even started trying.

"There is another board for them to go to, that's why it's here"
My t-f-t: I spent a lot of fucking time here and I held your hand so now you're going to hold mine.

Don't treat me like I don't know because I do.

I could go on but it's not a contest of who has it worse because a loss is a loss, I just expect the same support I have handed out over the years. You know what, maybe they weren't here when I lost Patrick or my losses after him but show the exact kind of support and courtesy you expect to receive. In fact I can't help but wonder if any of these people who felt this way acted differently when at the time things was OK with them? I have a gut feeling it wasn't one post and then they were gone but that's just a guess. I will not be treated like I don't know what they are going through because the fact is the numbers are stacked against me as they have been in the past and I know that nothing is for sure. I just have to keep praying and hopefully have support from these girls. The same girls I shared things with that right now my own family (well Sean's family) and closest friend don't know.

As my one awesome friend said I have earned my right to be here. That ticker below is the same hope I have AS EVERY SINGLE WOMAN ON THE BOARD DOES, FOR A HEALTHY BABY. It has nothing to do with not opening a post, it has to do with giving the same exact support that you want to receive whether you're venting, sad or happy.

The thing is I will still pray for every single girl over there and when their time comes (and again, I pray it's soon) I will be there congratulating them and asking God to please let this be the success that they deserve to be blessed with.

currently listening to Oasis' Supersonic

The Very First Full of Grace Blog

The title of my blog comes from one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs, the words have an affect on me and what I have gone through, and of course those of you who know me (if any of you are even reading this) know what Grace means to me, though I think we all know Ms. McLachlan was not writing about a dog.

Tonight's post is going to be simple, just about Full of Grace. It is the starting point of everything that is me.


currently listening to Sarah McLachlan's Full of Grace